Why do I feel sad? Why do I hurt? Where is this dissatisfaction with life burning in my soul coming from?
For the past few months, questions like these have been running through my head. I’ve been struggling to understand why I’ve felt empty and forgotten. Sometimes I feel joyful, like when I spend time with Jesus, go to Mass and Adoration, or serve others, but most of the time this joy fades away as I go about my daily life.
I want to have true joy every moment of my existence. “Why Lord can’t I achieve these desires? Where can I find this everlasting joy my heart is seeking?”
Struggling with doubts and questions, I decided to lay it all down at the Lord’s feet when I attended a Steubenville Youth Conference this summer. I didn’t know what to do anymore and so, offering it all up to God, I prayed for a revelation during this retreat.
As Saturday night of the retreat approached, everyone began to prepare their hearts and minds to adore Jesus in the Holy Eucharist during Adoration… When the monstrance entered the room and my gaze met Jesus’ hidden under the outward form of bread, my heart began to swell with love.
Even though there were two thousand other people in the room, for that precious moment it was just Him and I. All the struggles and emotions I’ve been dealing with began to spill out of me as tears running down my face. I was exhausted from trying to stay strong and happy. All I wanted was to be filled with His strength and feel His enduring love, but I felt helpless. Falling weakly into Christ’s loving embrace, I did all I could do: surrender everything to Him.
When I offered my prayer of complete surrender, I heard His voice whisper into the depths of my heart and slowly I began to grasp why I have been sad and unsatisfied. Deep down my soul has been yearning. I have been starving for a deeper relationship with God.
Those times when I’ve experienced joy, I was united to Christ. But in the past months, I have been pushing him aside. I have been searching for happiness in others that only leaves me feeling more lonely and unneeded. I’ve been wanting to find love, but I’ve been looking in all the wrong places. The lover of my life is in the monstrance raised before my eyes. He has been calling me and for too long I have been ignoring Him. However, now He has caught me in His embrace and I am not going to push Him away.
Jesus wants to love me. He wants to fulfill my desires. He wants to be my best friend and spend every waking moment with me. Jesus has found me and by turning to Him, I have found the true joy I have been seeking.
I encourage you to stop running after things that only bring you closer to despair. Only one person can fulfill your heart’s desire for true love. Christ Jesus has found you and is waiting. He is calling. Will you answer?
“Look to Him and be radiant” (Psalm 34:6).